Why Do People Use Drugs and Alcohol? Understanding That People Do What Works

When someone we love is struggling with alcohol or drug use, one of the most common questions we ask ourselves is:

Why are they doing this?

Understanding why people use substances doesn't excuse harmful behaviour, but it can help us make sense of actions that otherwise feel confusing, frustrating, and painful.

At first, the answer can seem obvious. Maybe they're drinking because they're stressed. Maybe they're using drugs because of the people they spend time with. Maybe it's become a habit. Maybe it’s just more fun to go to the bar than be home, bored and frustrated with all the day-to-day responsibilities.

At the same time, we see all the negative consequences of our partner’s use - the hangovers, the missed appointments, the unfulfilled promises, the missed time with loved ones.  

Why would someone continue doing something that is creating so many problems in their life and relationships?

I remember asking myself this question over and over again. 

From where I stood, the consequences seemed impossible to ignore. I could see the arguments, the missed commitments, the strain on our family, and the growing distance between us. 

What I didn’t think about was what alcohol was doing for him. 

People Use Substances Because They Work

One of the most confusing parts of loving someone who drinks or uses drugs is wondering why they keep doing it when the problems seem so obvious. 

The answer is often that the substance is still "working" for them in some way. It may be helping them cope, escape, numb, relax, feel confident, or simply feel normal for a short time. 

Eventually, the substance can begin to feel less like a choice and more like an automatic solution. 

Substances can:

• Reduce anxiety and stress
• Numb emotional pain
• Minimize physical pain
• Help with sleep
• Create feelings of confidence or connection
• Help someone escape difficult thoughts or emotions
• Create pleasure or excitement
• Improves focus
• Help avoid feelings of shame, loneliness, or inadequacy
• Takes away boredom
• Help with weight loss

From the outside, we often focus on the costs.

From the inside, the person is focused on the relief. 

Understanding Doesn't Mean Accepting

One of the hardest things to understand is how someone can continue using when it's clearly affecting their relationships, finances, or health.

It's easy to interpret the behaviour as:

• "They don't care."
• "They're choosing alcohol over me."
• "If they loved us enough, they would stop."

I know I certainly had these thoughts.

Sometimes understanding more about why people use can reduce some of this confusion and pain.  It can also create opportunities for more productive conversations. When people feel understood rather than judged, they are often more willing to talk openly about their experiences and struggles.

Learning why our partners use substances can help us respond with more compassion.

Understanding does not mean excusing harmful behaviour.

It’s possible to both recognize that someone is struggling while also acknowledging the impact their behavior is having on you. 

You can have empathy and set boundaries.

You can care deeply about someone while also taking care of yourself.

Small Reflection

One useful shift is moving from:

"Why are they drinking?"

to

"What is the drinking doing for them?"

Imagine there was something in your life you could change instantly:

• Anxiety
• Loneliness
• Stress
• Self-doubt
• Difficulty sleeping
• Emotional pain
• Boredom

How tempting would it be?

This doesn't mean alcohol or drugs are a good solution, but it can help us understand why people continue reaching for them, even when the consequences are growing.

It can also help us move from confusion toward understanding and compassion - for both ourselves and our partner.