Something Feels Off: Learning to Trust Your Experience

There were many evenings when I found myself sitting at my Mac, searching: "Does my husband have a drinking problem?" 

Looking back now, I find it fascinating that despite having what felt like fairly clear evidence, I couldn't quite trust my own observations. 

I was constantly explaining away what I was seeing. 

"He works hard and needs a way to relax." 

"Maybe my expectations are too high." 

"The bills are getting paid, so can there really be a problem?" 

Part of me knew something wasn't right, yet another part kept searching for an explanation that would make everything make sense. 

I think many people experience something similar when they are trying to understand a difficult situation involving someone they love.  There can be a strong need for an objective source to confirm that what you're noticing is real and that your concerns aren't unreasonable.

When you're trying to respect your loved one's privacy, avoid conflict, or protect your family, it can become surprisingly isolating. Over time, that isolation can make it even harder to trust yourself. 

It doesn't matter how educated you are, how many stories you've read, or how well you know your partner. Some situations are simply difficult to understand when you're living inside them.

It is much easier to give advice to a friend than yourself. Those few feet of distance can provide a level of perspective and objectivity that simply isn't available when you're so emotionally invested in the situation.  

Your history with the person brings hope that you can figure things out on your own, but it also makes your path less clear. The closer we are to a situation, the more difficult it can be to separate what we hope is true from what we are actually experiencing.

Signs You May Be Trying to Make Sense of Something

• Replaying conversations in your head

• Questioning your memory of what happened

• Feeling relief when things seem calm 

• Wondering if you're making a big deal out of nothing

• Spending time researching or looking for answers

• Asking other people for reassurance about what you're seeing

The confusion can become even more complicated when your partner doesn't acknowledge the problem or redirects attention back to your behaviour. 

When someone you love and trust responds in a way you weren't expecting, it can leave you questioning yourself. Even if their argument doesn't make sense.

You may start wondering: 

"Am I overreacting?" 

"Did that really happen the way I remember it?" 

"What if I'm the problem?" 

Living with this constant uncertainty is exhausting. 

Our brains naturally want clarity. We want things to make sense. We want to know what is happening and what might happen next. When we can't find those answers, it's common to keep mentally revisiting the situation, searching for something that will make everything make sense. 

Eventually, I started writing down events and observations to help myself see things more clearly. Recording what happened allowed me to step back from the emotions of the moment and look at patterns over time. It helped me separate what I had directly observed from the stories or explanations I was sometimes creating in my mind. 

For me, it became a way of reconnecting with my own experience. 

A Small Shift Forward

Instead of asking: "What's wrong?" I had to tune into facts rather than explanations. 

What was said? 

What happened? 

What did I observe? 

Simply noticing what was happening, and allowing myself to acknowledge it, was an important first step. 

Another shift I found helpful was opening up to a therapist, family doctor, and a few trusted friends. This helped to validate and reality-check my experience

When you've been carrying uncertainty on your own for a long time, having someone listen without judgment can provide perspective and a reminder that you don't have to sort through everything by yourself. 

We don't have to carry everything on our own.